I was born in India immigrated to England when I was three with my family. My life however was mapped out for me from the moment I was born. I was taught never to question anything but to do as l was told – all decisions were taken out of my hands – what I studied, my career, whom l married, how to be a good Asian wife and mother. Inside something was hollow which l could not fill. During the marriage I experienced Narcissistic abuse – belittling comments and criticism damaging me emotionally  plus financial and sexual abuse, it left me with feelings of low self worth, guilt, isolation ,anxiety and depression with no one to turn to. I was raised never to talk about family stuff outside the home so l carried the shame of not being good enough throughout my marriage

As the children grew up l worked longer hours in my career in housing to avoid the sadness within my marriage and to be able to continue the perfect marriage image I had created. Issues were still there and it became unbearable to ignore and I had to make decisions to change my life.

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By the time l was 37 years old l had suffered the biggest grief of my life – my mother committed suicide less than 2 years after my father died from a massive heart attack. I was devastated my world crumbled around me and I was left empty and hollow inside.

l just wanted to hide away – be invisible.

And that’s how l stayed for years: I numbered all those feeling by working excessively and drinking, because l thought l was doing right by my kids and not realising the damage l was causing them. My marriage did not improve, l continued to endure the emotional and sexual abuse. I was told by family that l had to stay otherwise no one would marry my beautiful daughter, so l stayed 13 more years keeping up appearances despite the sadness within my marriage and to be able to continue with the ‘perfect family’ image.

Then just after my 50th birthday l finally left my husband; it was a spur of the moment decision and within 3 months of me leaving he committed suicide.

It was at this stage l dealt with all the grief l had experienced losing my dad, my mum and my husband with an array of feelings of anger, rage guilt and sadness. These are all natural feelings which at the time but l did not understand them. I slowly came to accept all the grief that l experienced, but the pain did not go away completely but l had come to live with the pain of losing my mum in tragic circumstances.

After my husband’s death, there was no script that l wanted to follow but my own gut feelings.

l decided to invest in my personal self-worth and re-examine who l wanted to be for me and my family and no longer to please others. I decided to change my career in housing.

I chose to develop self-love: something that l never had done.

I had some counselling initially and slowly l decided to follow my compassion to help other South Asian women on their journey. I gained qualifications in hypnotherapy and counselling and read a lot of books on self-help. l now wants to share my experience and knowledge to help you on your journey to become visible again – bring the colour back into your life – you only have one life.

Surrinder Johal

Becoming Visible Therapy

Grief Coach, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist