Article by Nadiya H
There may come a day where you find yourself at your limit. Perhaps it’s because of an argument still spinning around, or one question too many about where you are going that evening. It could be the weight of a duty that you suddenly feel trapped in.
Maybe you just can’t bear to hear the words, “what do you want to eat?” one more time. For a lot of South Asian’s, living at home as an adult with our parents can be bittersweet, or even just bitter. We might enjoy the security and safety of being at home.
With this could come a lack of privacy about our whereabouts. Some might even face restrictions on where they can go or find themselves lying to their families. A financial benefit may be met with a need to spend more money in hope of finding our own joy and freedom.
Reaching Out for Support
When it feels like it’s too much, there could come a time where you try to reach out to someone. A person who you hope will pull you close while you’re unable to push against the current you find yourself swept up in.
They could nod sympathetically at the right times, or they may shake their heads furiously at how you are being treated. Once all the words have been said, you might find yourself being shifted toward a solution.
At which point they utter the words, “you need to move out”.
The Impact of “You Need to Move Out”
Perhaps they don’t think it’s ever crossed your mind. For some of us, this can be a punch in the gut which signals the end of the conversation.
For others, it’s an invitation to exhaust ourselves by explaining all the reasons why we can’t, especially if the person we are speaking to is white.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave?
So why can it be so hard to move out of our family homes? We might find some answers by reflecting on what’s going on within both our families and ourselves.
Its culturally unaccepted
Growing Up in Multigenerational Homes
Many of our south Asian parents would have grown up with multiple generations all under one roof. The idea of scrolling a website to search for rooms with strange people who may be from other genders and races to our own might ring alarm bells for them.
They may perceive this as an unsafe situation compared to what they grew up in. This could be true for them even if they grew up in a home with violence or any other type of abuse.
So, they might raise the alarm anytime the issue is bought up, perhaps even so loud that you can’t hear anything else.
When Independence Feels Self-Indulgent
For a lot of us, a home where we can live away from our family is usually only accepted if it’s for marriage, study or a job they see as highly important. Our reasons around needing to have our own space such as to make new friends or just be alone more, might be perceived as self-indulgent.
There are families that may even question your need for friends, feeling hurt that you don’t see them or your siblings as the only friends you need.
Caring for our parents
The Responsibility We Carry
Some of us might be so used to caring for our parents that their survival feels impossible without us. We might feel like there is no one else who can do the jobs that we do at home.
This could look different for everyone. Some of us may take on physical carer roles to elderly parents, others might be the family admin or the house therapist.
The idea of leaving them comes hand in hand with guilt and anxiety about their futures, not ours. Whatever our role in the house, it’s so hard to give up, because we might feel that we would be removing the glue that holds everything together.
Being the Buffer Between Parents
The idea that our parents could be with each other alone can feel impossible for some. We may realise that our parents haven’t had time alone together without children since their honeymoon.
So they might rely on their children as buffers, and some of us might have to stretch ourselves constantly to fill the hole that’s in their lives.
Siblings
Protecting Those We Leave Behind
We may feel that it’s not just about our parents. It’s about the one’s that we leave behind.
If our home environment has been a whirlwind of arguments or a closed space to keep and control us, it could have been part of our daily life to protect others in our house from this. Some of us would have kept our sibling’s company, bonded in the chaos, sat side by side in the silence when things exploded.
This can be especially true for people who have experienced abuse in their family home. Leaving others in something that we can no longer tolerate might feel selfish to some.
We might not want to carry the weight of this, so we stay. This could also be true for people who feel that one of their parents is vulnerable to the other.
Money
The History of Displacement
So many of us came from ancestors who had to leave their homes during the partition. They would then have had to leave again to come to a foreign country, where a lot of them were not welcomed.
With all of this displacement and all of this moving, our elders spent days planting seeds which turned into years of growing roots. Those roots were meant to nourish the generations to come.
So, it may be hard for them to accept that we would want to pay money to someone else instead of saving it to put toward buying our own home.
Financial Security and Internalised Fear
This fear of wasted money and lack of security might be something that filters into our own beliefs. It might feel difficult to part with our hard earned cash if it moves us further away from the idea of owning our own home one day.
A secret relationship
Living Between Two Worlds
If we’re in a relationship with a person that our parents would not approve of, moving in with them can come with different kinds of hurdles. It could mean intense arguments, having to turn down alternative suitors or even estrangement.
We may not feel ready to hear what they have to say. So in these moments, turning down the sound and lying about where we are feels easier than facing the music.
We have weekend relationships where we might feel free and together with our partner, only to return home one Monday with a secret we carry alone.
Staying Because We’re Unsure
Some of us might also choose to stay at home with our parents because we are unsure if the relationship is right for us. Being out in the world with someone we are unsure about can seem daunting.
Our family home is safe in a lot of ways, even if it isn’t in others.
Reflecting on What Keeps Us Still
It can be hard to find people that understand the moving parts that keep us still, the reasons why we stay. In the moments where we’re not being supported the way we need to, it could be worth reflecting on what it is we need to hear.
If you want to move out but can’t, perhaps it’s time to get curious about what’s keeping you there in the first place.
Related articles – 8 tips to being happier as an adult living at home
